so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
