The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
