why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
