dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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