Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
