I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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