I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
