When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
