How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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