his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
