I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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