I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize