apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
