I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
