I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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