Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize