i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize