My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You are a genius and a whore.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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