ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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