I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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