Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize