i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize