Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
