this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
