How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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