dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
