I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
