is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
