Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
