I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
