Even the bartender felt bad for me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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