There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
