1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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