Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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