I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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