omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The uberlube is also flammable
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
