Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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