Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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