well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
