Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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