He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
