Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
