you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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