I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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