Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
