chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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