Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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