And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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