I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
