I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
