I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
