This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
