a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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