maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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