Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
