Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
