Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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