I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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