i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
