Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
