I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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