is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
