So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
