My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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