the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
