The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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