Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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