Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
