So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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